Thanks WordPress for including this post on Freshly Pressed! And welcome to all of you who clicked on the link and took the time to read.
I’m not in the habit of giving advice, because most advice is bullshit. Half the time, the advice giver is just trying to justify her life choices by advising you to follow in her footsteps. The rest of the time, she’s trying to justify her bitterness by recommending you do something different than she’s done. Either way, most advice isn’t about you — it’s about the person giving it.
I can’t, however, ignore a plea for help like the one currently issuing from Thought Catalog, where young Kate Menendez just wants to live her life in peace. But she can’t, because all the poor people she knows resent her for being born into wealth and privilege. Ms. Menendez is “tired of feeling self-conscious” about her privilege and its trappings (which include a high-rise apartment and nice clothes). She writes, “What do you suggest I do about it?”
Oh, Ms. Menendez — I’m so glad you asked! I have a few suggestions for you.
Prove Yourself
By your own account, Kate, you have had the great fortune of being born into comfortable circumstances. Your parents have ensured that you will complete college and graduate school debt free. They have seen fit to house you in a safe building, and made sure that when you go out in the world, you will set your best foot forward. This is generous of them. They clearly want to see you succeed, and are happy to spend much of their hard-earned money doing so.
One option would be to ride that gravy train as long as you can. I wouldn’t judge you for it. Just kidding, I totally would! But who cares what I think — a free ride is a free ride, and few of us get the chance at one. If you like this sweet deal your parents have offered, take it.
But your essay indicates that you want more. You’re not satisfied to simply have a comfortable lifestyle provided by your parents. You need people to respect you. You need your doorman and your classmates and the people who interview you to believe that you, Kate Menendez, are more than just a lucky girl with wealthy parents. The fact that you desire respect speaks well of your character.
The problem is that you think people should do this just out of the goodness of their hearts. Please, you say, just lay off. Well, Kate, my dear, there is fat chance of that. The world can be a harsh place. Just ask your classmates who are forehead deep in student loans and panicked about how they will ever afford to pay them off, much less have a family or achieve some semblance of financial security. Better yet, ask the millions of people in this country (billions in the entire world) who spend some portion of their lives without adequate food or shelter. Life’s a bitch, Kate, and nothing is free.
If you want respect, step up. You say your parents “demanded” to pay for your college education. That’s great! College is ridiculously expensive. But now it’s time to cut the cord. Give Mom and Dad back that credit card we both know they’re paying on your behalf. Get off the family cell phone plan. Move out of that nice highrise apartment, get some roommates and a part-time job, and start paying your own rent. Stop buying all your suits from J.Crew and get comfortable with outlet stores.
Does this sound just awful? Why struggle when your parents are offering to make your life easier and more comfortable? Wouldn’t it be even more ridiculous to turn down your privilege, when so many others would love to be in your position?
Maybe. But you have to choose. You can’t live this comfortable life on your parents’ dime and also expect me to think highly of you. As long as you, an adult, are allowing others to pay your way, I’m always going to respect you a little less. And regardless of what you achieve, I will always assume that it happened, in part, because you got lucky. If you can’t live with that, get rid of a little of your comfy privilege and see if you can work it out on your own.
And if you can’t bring yourself to give up those sweet J.Crew suits…
… Stop Caring What I Think
Why does it even matter to you that your doorman (supposedly) gives you the side-eye when your clothes are delivered? Why is it so important that when your friends commiserate about their crippling student debt, you be able to participate? Your life sounds pretty sweet to me — nice home, nice clothes, limited financial burden and lots of opportunities courtesy of a pretty elite education, from what I can tell.
First off, I’m a total stranger with very little power in the world. If I’m bitter or resentful towards you, it doesn’t impact your experience in life one iota. Your doorman? He probably doesn’t give two shits about your packages. Even if he does, you get that his job is to serve you, right? He’s not your buddy. Move on. As for your peers, real friends won’t need to you to lie about your circumstances, even if they’re jealous. It’s actually more disrespectful to pretend you’re as hard up as they are — just own your situation. You’re the one in an enviable situation, not them, so why are you acting as though their financial burdens make them better than you?
Actually, I think I know why. You,my friend, are feeling a little guilty. See, you have actually figured out that the world is a bit unfair, and that you are benefiting from that unfairness. You just got lucky! And all these other people, including your doorman and some of your friends, aren’t so lucky. This is causing you some discomfort, in which case I recommend that you…
Suck It Up
I know very little about life, and am unqualified to tell anyone almost anything. But I do know this — mental and emotional distress are just things that happen, to everyone. Adulthood only increases this distress, both in frequency and intensity. You feel weird about your privilege. Guess what? A lot of the people you perceive as resenting you feel weird about their lack of privilege. That woman at the interview who eyed your brand new suit with envy? She worries that she doesn’t dress well enough at her job, and that in inhibits her ability to move ahead. Your doorman worries about getting fired because he looked at one of the building’s tenants wrong, and he worries about finding another job in this crap economy.
Your essay on Thought Catalog is going to get a lot of mocking. All of the people mocking it are freaking out silently about something — relationships, money, family. Everyone has to deal with occasional (or sometimes frequent) anxiety, guilt, or insecurity.
You can take two things from this. The first is — you’re not as alone as you thought. Here you were, feeling like an alien because of your good fortune. It turns out, you’re just a struggling human like the rest of us. Your essay was probably the result of an impulse to share that distress with others, to obtain some validation for those squirmy feelings of class guilt and isolation. You won’t get it, of course, because you failed to consider your audience or put your problems in perspective. But your impulse to share your burden is universal.
The second take-away is related to the first. Just as you’re not alone, you’re also not special. You think that just because you sometimes feel ostracized for your privilege, you have the right to demand that everyone you come into contact with pack up their own worries and insecurities so that you can feel more comfortable? Good luck with that. Unless you’re willing to give up the trappings of your comfortable life, you will just have to learn to live with the resentment many of us feel towards you. Develop a thicker skin.
Being Privileged Is Not A Choice, So Stop Hating Me For It [Thought Catalog]
love your message and your dry wit! brilliant. congratulations on being freshly pressed.
Wow. That was intense, but highly pleasurable to read. WELL DONE. I haven’t read Kate’s piece, but I gather she’s dealing with the dilemna of being rich while also developing a social conscience. Being rich and being conscious of those below has never been easy. The thing is, she is right, if I can go by her title alone…being privileged wasn’t her choice. How horrible to inherit so much and to be born into a time such as ours. There are reasons why we in this culture fixate on the problems of race, sexuality and gender. These problems are minute compared to the real one which we have managed to keep invisible for much too long. I’m talking about class. Class has always been a tough one to wrangle. But for the past 20 or more years we have staved off the need to have the shameful conversaton because we fooled the little people into thinking they could live like the rich and famous.
Also, the bulk of people with any power or narrative privilege in this world were born into circumstances such as Kate’s. Is it any wonder they never talk about their privilege. Most of them are smart enough to know to downplay what they have and to align themselves with average people. If they didn’t do this there would be class war. Very few people born outside of privilege manage to have any say in the conversations that truly shape society. Blogging, I’m afraid, does not count. It is in spirit too democratic.
I read the Thought Catalog piece this morning and your response is a beautifully articulated and written version of my thoughts…I loved it and am glad I found this blog!
So I went to see one of my favorite authors (Junot Diaz) speak at a lecture recently. Someone (ywf) asked him about how to confront privilege. And he said, “the best way to confront privilege is to acknowledge your own and then undermine it. We all have privileges.” !!! I was poor growing up and I have a really big chip on my shoulder when it comes to this. I never considered myself privileged. I had to work for everything. And so, I WAS really uncomfortable with the term privileged white person. I thought it = rich.
But looking at the privileges someone else has, doesn’t do any good. I now realize some of the things I may have gotten because of my skin color. Or maybe because I am thin or short or a woman or an American. I think what could help the original poster is facing it, really seeing your class privilege and how unfair it is.
Great point. I think what bothered me most about Menendez’s essay is how little she was willing to introspect. She assumes her doorman judges her for the packages she receives, but never considers that her assumption of his feelings is a form of class judgment (he’s just a doorman, so he must be jealous of all my stuff). She briefly claims to be interested in public service, but the focus of her essay is not income inequality, or the reasons for her obvious class guilt, but a plea for people to stop making her feel uncomfortable. I know a lot of the criticism of her has been unnecessarily harsh, but I sincerely hope it forces her to gain a little perspective.
Right. It’s the whole, “I’m sick of lying about my suits and saying their hand-me-downs.” If you want a hand me down suit, just wear one. And yes, if you don’t want your doorman to judge you, maybe talk to the guy.
There are some unnecessarily harsh comments but I really liked this post, it seems like genuine advice. Congrats on being freshly pressed!
all of which I suppose boils down to the fact there is always someone better off, or worse off, than you. the bottom line is either accept it and move on, or do something about it. I loved the directness of this post. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
All I ask of people in her situation is that they realize that others are not, that the world looks very different when you are required to earn EVERY SINGLE PENNY PERSONALLY that you will ever spend on yourself, and that the majority of it comes from the blind luck of having been born to wealthy parents. I still remember a woman I was talking with in grad school who was amazingly together saying with all candor, “I’m so lucky to have been born rich. There are so many things I don’t have to worry about.” She was talking about getting care for her son as a single parent that allowed her to go to school. She didn’t look at people who had to agonize over decisions like that as if they were Martians. She didn’t look at people fish-eyed upon learning that they couldn’t touch their parents for home down payments. If someone said, “My car is completely hosed, but I have to keep driving it somehow because no way can I get a new one,” she didn’t act like they just farted and she should pretend not to notice.
It all boils down to the same advice for all humans: understand that everyone is not you, and that the ways in which they deviate from you are not defects.
I think a good piece of advice for Ms. Menendez is realizing that in the same way she didn’t chose to be born into privilege, no one chooses to be born poor either.
I cannot understand why Privilege Girl isn’t happier to have what she’s got. She’d be ever so much more charming if she was unapologetic about it. If it weren’t so poorly drafted, I’d think her piece was a shameless ploy for readers. Your piece is written nicely, though I cannot muster even a smidgen of annoyance for her… because I don’t believe her.
Everything’s relative. Rich and poor are sliding scales, just like young and old, smart and dumb, strong and weak, good and bad. Wherever you stand on the scale determines by proxy who has “more” or “less” than you, but there is no absolute measure of anything. Comparison is bondage to a moving ghost.
Perception is reality, so where you stand matters little compared to how you feel about it. The only reason people strive for anything is that they believe it will make them feel better to get there, anyway, so.if you can find a way to feel good right now, you win.
What other people think of you is none of your business. They are not seeing the world the way it is, they are seeing it the way THEY are. Don’t ask them. Their answers will vary depending on their current mood, circumstances, and whether or not you are behaving the way they wish.
Yours is the only truth. Own it, enjoy it, do not defend it to anyone. There’s no need. When you ask, “What do you think?” you are really asking them, “Would you like some of my power?” Thinking and believing exactly as you wish is your inexorable freedom. It makes the entire Universe yours, and that’s freakin’ awesome.
The problem I see is that people who complain of their wealth are actually digging for
compliments totally oblivious to the pain of others. My friend Floyd has ALS. I am sure he would welcome Ms Menendez’s plight. The vagaries of such hardship. This is just a ploy for more attention. Go volunteer and do not do it for accolades. Find yourself in your service to man and stop worrying about trying to impress others. Tell poor Floyd has bad your life is. I am sure he would cry for you and I mean that he would actually care and that is the difference between being self-absorbed and aloof and on death’s one way trip to oblivion.
I enjoyed your blog and have met and seen a lot of rich people. They are usually like you and me and not snobbish at all. Most are self made. I have not met many who were born into privilege but met most who worked their tails off to get where they are. The trouble they have to do a lot to stay on top. They worry. Not like me to pay the bills but to maintain the status they have gotten into.
I should also add one more important thing here: Never, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, attempt to justify the fact that your family is loaded with the phrase, “Well, my parents work really hard!” Don’t even think of going there. Until you have been poor to lower-working-class, you have NO IDEA how hard some people can work. Everyone “works really hard.” The sad fact in this world is that a lot of poor to working-class people work their ever-loving asses off.
I have been raised in that environment, and I have since gotten into the white collar world. And yes, I work very hard. But having to be in touch with the office over the weekends, stay late sometimes, and travel for work is nothing compared to the way my father would have to take odd jobs to keep us afloat and come home at night so stressed out and exhausted that he would immediately zonk out on the couch between coming home and dinner being ready. It was nothing compared to my mom, who between working and raising us I think might have had one hour to herself a week as leisure time on Sunday morning to sit down, sip a cup of coffee, and read the newspaper and whose head would hit the pillow like an iron ball every single night.
You must assume that everyone works really hard. So please for the love of whatever deity you believe in, don’t say that.
Also, pick a favorite charity or several and start shoveling money at them. Seriously go look at the world and see which charities are doing work that you find inspiring. For me, that’s one called “Room to Read” and the Fistula Hospital. You can google both. And just tithe a certain portion of your money to them once a month. Trust me, that will help.
Sharp, sassy write and I don’t know who she is but I do know many who lament the burden of their privileges, a friend described her daughters laughing together over the fact that they need financial advisors barely into their twenties. She is no longer my friend. I just couldn’t suffer on her behalf when I come from working class – hard working class – and find myself just getting awfully tired of all the talk about all the hardship of the overprivileged who lament such things as mice in one of their cottages as though it’s a crisis. God help them if they are ever parted from their dollars. Survival will be a foreign word as they learn what the rest of us already know, Ms. Menendez, whoever you are, shut the **** up and get a life. Seriously. If your money is getting too burdensome nothing is stopping you sharing your advantages with the less fortunate. Surprised you went to school because the wisdom doesn’t show while this well written jab reads with insight and acuity wasted on creatures who cannot fathom anything beyond the context of the SELF. Some monsters really are people.
This has me quietly laughing out loud (wouldn’t want to wake up my snoring dogs or husband), at 5am, 3 hours into another sleepless night. So thanks for that!
This comment was in response to your post on insomnia. I guess I shouldn’t attempt to post while hiding under my blankets so the light from my phone doesn’t wake my husband up.
I also read and very much enjoyed this post. It prompted me to read Miss Menendez’s thoughts. Is she for real? Mind blown.
If you aren’t really well off, you gotta to earn it. If you are, then you still got to earn it.
Being born into wealth is not anybody’s mistake just because a vast majority of the world isn’t.
However, how you use that wealth, wether you blow it off in smoke, drugs, and alcohol, or use it to genuinely do good things in life, will decide what is written about you in the pages of history.
The only reason the guilt exists is because she really wasn’t satisfying herself with the work she was doing. Period.
I applaud almost all of your essay except the final bit. Ms. Menendez should emphatically not develop a thicker skin. Better by far if she spread this particular thinness of skin around those of the same strata– if becoming concerned about an abundance of privilege becomes epidemic, the obvious cures of sharing more freely and not concentrating wealth in a diminishing few might get taken up in sufficient numbers to actually amend the situation.
Sneaky socialism! I like it.
Ha! Brilliant response.
Reblogged this on LMN and commented:
Will read when time allows!
Yikes. I went and read Kate’s piece. I don’t think privilege is her problem. A person can be privileged, gracious, generous and comfortable in his or her own skin. But you have to own, acknowledge, and be thankful for and humble about your privilege in order to get there. I suspect it’s not her privilege that makes people dislike her; it’s the fact that she resents it but is still unwilling to give it up. Either make it on your own and earn that feeling of being like everybody else, or be thankful and gracious about what you’ve been given – and accept the fact that it does make you a little different. And realize that most people would jump at the chance to pay that price.
Loved it! Articulated well. Well done on getting Freshly Pressed.
That was worth the read!
Love your writing !
Now I have to get my hands on Kate’s article. Okay well I just read it. It seems she thinks she’s not sorry for her background, but her article speaks of something else. It might have not been a good choice to make that declaration in public domain, if she didn’t want more judging looks coming her way… because now she got loads more I’m sure. But oh well, people do curious things.
I read Kate’s article and it pissed me off… it is exactly what I hate about white, middle class, people; it’s the same argument that is used in South Africa nowadays: “I didn’t choose to be born white, so stop shoving apartheid down my throat”… still they benefit from the structural inequality that still persists and the prevailing privilege… In fact, they do choose, they make a choice to live the life they do and enjoy that privilege; I have no qualms about telling them that they in turn should take responsibility for it, at the very least.
Reblogged this on Simplicity in Seattle.
Just came back from reading Menendez’s article… Sounds like she has a problem with what she thinks other people think of her. The world doesn’t revolve around her, and she doesn’t understand that she needs to stop lying and own up to her privileged life, just as you said. Great essay, I loved your sharp and witty response!
Wonderful article! Taking advice from others is a crutch to give those who don’t take the time to know themselves, an opportunity to do a little bit of soul searching. While this soul searching is done completely under another person’s influence, I think that it’s better to soul search poorly then to mindlessly drift through life (a habit in which far too many people participate). I admit that I’m somewhat biased about this because my blog is a little heavy on the advice. Yet, after reading this post I think that I’ll try to change the tone of my blog a little bit.
Anyway, I think that your response to Kate’s post was right on! I think that many people in my generation have similar feelings to some degree. Even if they aren’t as privileged as Kate, there is a general culture of the older generation freely giving and the younger generation feeling compelled to accept. For example, look at the college system. Schools have raised their prices so much that students are forced to look for “free money” through scholarships and grants. We are completely dependent on these sources of revenue. While we ARE forced to work for them by earning good grades, they give us a false sense of security and entitlement because getting good grades isn’t something that inherently deserves money. When you get good grades, you’re not providing a marketable good or service. You’re working on developing the skills to produce in the future.While it’s admirable that companies and wealthy individuals want to invest in the future of the youth, I think it would be more beneficial for us if they would lower the cost of getting an education and allow us to work hard to earn it ourselves.
I hope that Kate is able to figure out what is right for her and I hope that she learns the life lessons that she so desperately wants: gaining independence and joy that comes from being a “self-made” person.
Reblogged this on Irresistible Girl and commented:
Although most of us aren’t as rich as this girl, I think that our generation is a little too privileged and that we can all relate to this to one degree or another.
Glad that I’m not the only one who begrudges giving sympathy to people who are born into that way of life. Very witty and true piece.
Rather than giving up her comfortable life – she could try doing something useful. (As Voltaire said, with great power [money] comes great responsibility – or for those into biblical quotes Luke 12:48). I haven’t read her post but doubt she would have written it unless she sees her life as indulgent. Great post and congrats on being FP-ed. Cheers Pip
From what I read in the original article, she is earning a graduate degree, working part-time, and applying for jobs. So it’s not like she’s just lounging around shopping all day.
I agree with this author that she should stop worrying about what other people think. It is the other person’s own problem if they resent her good fortune. Some people are born rich and some people aren’t. People at the end of the day have to deal with their own problems and circumstances.
Reblogged this on walk with me.
When I read your essay I had a “Breaking Bad” moment – “Oh my GOD this is GOOD!”
Very nicely written! Thanks for your great share!
Really enjoyed your words 🙂 I hope to hear more insight by you!
Reblogged this on A-LISP and commented:
While I blog about great things you can do on the Atlantic Sea board. There is a huge credit debit relationship to “your” happiness because of your perception of how others see you. And by You-I mean ME. So I’ll post this and re-re-re-read it, so that my value systems don’t become sloth-like and over-burdened. But mechanisms for the social change that makes me feel good.
Reblogged this on Pretentiously Boring and commented:
dry wit, but filled with things we can all take from it given our first world status and varying levels of privilege.
Reblogged this on MARRIAGE IS A UNION OF TWO FORGIVERS. and commented:
I applaud this response,brilliantly done indeed,well articulated,just a few mentioned…much not yet said!!!
Reblogged this on Ladylike and commented:
Suck. It. Up.
Reblogged this on OmegaHex and commented:
This reminded me of the song “Common People” by the legendary brit-pop band Pulp. I’ve posted the essential core lyrics of it below:
“Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job. Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school.
But still you’ll never get it right
‘cos when you’re laid in bed at night watching roaches climb the wall
If you call your Dad he could stop it all.
You’ll never live like common people
You’ll never do what common people do
You’ll never fail like common people”
However, she sounds more insecure than privileged – and… truthfully – she comes off as stereotypical new money. My response to Kate’s histrionic plea: Your privilege seems to be a non-issue. You are the issue. Ultimately you sound rotten and sad about shallow issues because you have nothing else to care about but your non-issue.
A thoughtful piece this man of privilege liked. I try to be thankful for my background, though I left Boston area for other attitudes when I got out of the Navy. Got through college on VA benefits in 1970s. Advice? It’s nice to remember where you come from, but where are you headed? And what can you hold as your own? This post is about me, but heck, your post’s mission was to get our attention. You did!
Reblogged this on BrendasVilla.
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